Don't be a nordic

Set aside those think-pieces on how 24-hour access to Lego creates the happiest nation on earth and start learning why the Nordic nations are just as messed up as we are. Unless you've had your head buried in Stieg Larsson books or have been trapped in the bedroom department of Ikea for the last couple of years, you will have noticed that all things Scandinavian are getting a lot of love right now. Sure, the residents of Norway, Denmark, and Sweden may enjoy excellent public services, top most World Happiness Reports and possess chiselled cheek bones that would make even Mick Jagger look twice, but have you seen the price of a beer out there, or tried to stomach a slice of brunost cheese, or ever attempted shopping on a Saturday afternoon when EVERYTHING is shut? And don't get us started on the weather: seemingly endless freezing winter days where the sun never rises and there's only the Ingmar Bergman back catalogue to entertain you-it's bleak! Suffice to say, being Scandinavian isn't all it's cracked up to be, so ignore the newspaper articles exalting the latest subtitled crime drama. Turn your back on the online features promoting a hygge lifestyle - this fire-brigade-taunting combination of strong schnapps, cosy blankets and candlelight will only end in tears. Give up your hopes of securing a table at whatever the latest Michelin-starred restaurant is that serves live ants and reindeer moss ice cream. Instead, put down that Ace of Bass album and pick up this guide to discovering why adopting the Scandi lifestyle won't make you a better person.